10/16/08 dear_______- neil young, harvest


dear __________,

I MISS YOU!!
lord, it has been hard since you moved away. the city's not been the same, and i still can't take bay street to van ness to head downtown, or visit roxie's since your departure. (i also haven't been to the movies, or sat on my fire escape since july, and i suspect it will be long long time until i do so again.)

i woke up this morning and it was like you were sleeping in my room with me. i could feel you. i could practically see you. you were snoring (you snore!!) away on my gigantic air mattress, almost invisible beneath a twisted bunch of covers. i laid there for a while and tried to imagine your new home with mr. hughes. you'll be leaving so soon, and i have to admit i'm a little concerned that the UK is not going to be a great place to foster and support your nonsmoking. (i'll try not to nag, but seriously, it's time!) anyway, i think you'll be happy there. and, i'd be lying if i said i wasn't THRILLED to have a new reason to travel to london again.

recently ______ i've been thinking a lot about happiness. what it is. where it comes from. why it doesn't have endless lasting abilities. and why, for some, it doesn't visit very often at all. i know that like so many things in life there is a lot of CHOICE in happiness, but it seems often like a very unpopular thing to suggest. i tip toe around that part a lot. it is hard for many folks to imagine and know their power. it is scary to assume the driver's seat when it comes to our emotions and feelings and reactions. (did you know that the biochemical lifespan of a "feeling" is only 7 seconds!? TRUE! everything after that is just our silly brains remembering it over and over and over again.) it is harder still to imagine that we are choosing our path right down to the tiniest detail imaginable. boy, you say that to the wrong crowd and it's instant unpopularity! yes. suggesting CHOICE in these matters feels like a UPS delivery of blame and fault to a lot of people. of course you know ______, it is the opposite entirely. beautifully so. knowing our CHOICE is freedom, and it is the most profound way of understanding our purpose and our power. (fighting off thoughts now as i write that that i might be sounding naive and/or ridiculously oversimplified. but, i know you know what i mean. you always do.)

it's finally dawned on me that one of the happiest times in my life so far was when you were finishing your dissertation. good grief that was a hard period! day in and day out, you stayed put on the orange recliner in the living room, lap top on lap, cups of tea in constant rotation, and piles and piles of postcolonial theory blanketing the surrounding floor boards. i cooked beans and rice and fed you loaves of bread with san andes cheese and we both gained countless pounds. i miss all of our inspired and energized social justice dinner chats, and, although at the time i wouldn't have predicted it, i EVEN miss that teeny tiny table we sat at every night. i still smile when i think of the enormous russian world map that decorated our kitchen, and then eventually our guest room. OH MY GOD, and the snake! remember the snake!? and, remember when steve wanted to yank that piece of wood from my little toe? (thank you by the way for insisting we go to the emergency room that night. nothing but a little neosporin and a bandaid, but still.) you introduced me to cesaria evora, and i've kept the ringing silver heart your gave me in my bag since those early virginia days.

i've been listening to tori a lot these past few months and my head still shakes when i think of that concert in oakland. i never thought i'd see you come so close to blows with someone! it's still painful imagining being in that lobby, frantically fumbling through my bag for my ticket, and hearing those first few booms of chamberlain's kick drum and then tori's piano lead-in to the first song! FROM THE LOBBY! we were pissed!! (and were remembering THAT feeling over and over and over and OVER AGAIN!). i seriously thought you and i were both going to die right then and there. OY! in a strange way i felt closer to you in that moment of panic than i ever had before. who else in this whole wide world could've known like you did just how important it all was. no one i'm sure. and, i love that....and, crickets! those damn crickets. i still can't wait to work them into a song one of these days! life is so funny ______. it's amazing, and most days i find myself praying that you feel that way too. it's marvelous, and worth all of our marveling. even the pain. really. doesn't our capacity to FEEL anything and everything just blow you away some days!? i know it does. blow. you. away.

i want to thank you _____ ( even though i know you'll probably think it's impossible that i could mean this, and that it's some kind of unimaginable overstatement) for showing me such love and beauty this past year. i couldn't be more grateful that you came to my party at the orchards. you think i am some otherworld creature, but the truth is it is you who spins pure magic from your fingertips. (plus, you do a mean imitation of a frantic house-bound bat, and that's GOLD in my book.) it is true, there is bittersweetness in scanning through memories, and pondering "whys". heart ache like i've never known at times. and, some days it's easier than others to sink back into questions of novelties and what not. but, it doesn't get the better of me. really. i know it's been TRUE. and, i LOVE that i love you like i LOVE everything else. all of this life. IT's a big pot of soup, simmering on my stove. IT is the hundredth tear shed on the steering wheel. IT is our beautiful power and our command of choice. i think madonna said it best. life IS a mystery. (but, not really). i still want to read everything you've ever written, and, i think your brain is pretty hot too. tru.

okay sweet ______. got to get on with the day now. i hope this letter finds you well. i hope you're enjoying your new lighter work schedule. (you still give the best massage in my book.) i think of you gardening and baking banana bread and i SMILE. i hope this current shift in your life provides more of those things, as well as more picture taking. (your images are stunning.) promise me you'll always let me know if there's anything at all that you need, quiet one. (even if it's just to have the socks back for good.)
also, let me know your plans for the holidays. i'm planning on tackling my first turkey.

i love you.
i miss you.

yours,
karmen

ps.- no more smoking, okay? i'd like to keep you around for a LONG LONG TIME.

journal