10/13/08 ears not burning- other airport folks


today is a self-centered one.
i am looking for me everywhere.
i'm looking in every pane of glass. in every pair of eyes. i'm looking for myself on the floor, near the ceiling, in the bathroom and by the curb. i think i catch a glimpse of me when an older man let's me deplane ahead of him, scooting aside so i can get my bag from the overhead compartment first. he saw me. for a moment. he gave me a few extra feet, a few seconds sooner.

today, as my body heads west via two long US Air flights, my mind is busy scanning the north east and south east regions for pieces of my heart i may have left behind. it wonders where my heart may be sitting. at what table, and with whom. it longs to know if i'm being kept closely there, even though i've said goodbye once again. my ears never burn. they are a sorry source, and leave me constantly unconvinced. i find myself wishing they'd pay more attention because today there is no graceful way of asking is some of me in that? do you keep some of me there with you?, or, when i go do i dissapear completely all over again?

i spent more time with strangers in the last 48 hours than ever before. in fact, in the last two days i've hugged and kissed more strangers than ever before. i spent two exhausted evenings in the company of new faces. some musicians. some bankers. some athletes. some proud moms. some sobbing siblings. some happy couples. some not so happy couples. some celebratory sorority sisters. some tired grandparents. some proud new yorkers. some jet lagged californians. some babies, some t.v executives, and whole lot of southern accents. i found kindred spirits in a couple from hoboken NJ, and became ensconced into a new friend's very large, very mixed family. i was assured that i had indeed attended an official georgian ho down. and, for a few minutes i was comforted by an innocent amount of traditional chivalry, paid to me by a cara called cAra.

it has been full to say the least. this weekend. it has been strange to spend so many hours keeping busy with new folks so intimately, and then so many hours traveling alone, surrounded by annonymous faces and unrecognizable silhouettes. i think perhaps this is the cause for all of the me pondering today. i feel as though i long ago abandoned my anchor and now the only remaining tethers that keep me grounded and tide to this earth are in the hearts and minds of a small and scattered few. i need more from them than i know how to say, and today, as i sit and bide time in another airport, i find myself needing them more than ever.

i was told recently that i am not one to worry about. that my core is strong. that i am sturdier than most and that i will, of course, be okay. although i understood the message, and can understand now the intention behind the words, it stung a little more than i was prepared for. it surprised me, that stinging. because i believe i am strong, yes. i do feel i've done this life thing many many times before, and perhaps that often serves me well. regardless, it surprised me. i unravelled into an unending list of hows and whys we show each other our love. how we pay our attention. how we extend ourselves to, and for, the people we've grown to care about. i thought about why we cast lines out in the first place. why we build bridges between one another. why we hug. why we search, and why we attach so quickly when we find OUR PEOPLE. no matter what our hows or whys look like, i am hopeful we are showing our care and our love somehow. i unravelled, and all i could think about in that moment was how our worry it seems is one of those many ways we show that we SEE one another. that we KNOW there is much much more than meets the eye. we might pat a shoulder, or send a word. we might spend an extra minute listening when we can. we might stayed glued in our eye contact. we might spoon. we let others know that we KNOW that their moment in this life is a complicated, sometimes brutally hard, sometimes beautiful, sometimes utterly both, one.

believe me. i know of all the ego residing here. i know it is an unattractive way to be spending this day, wondering about where and how i'm kept by the folks i love. wondering about me, endlessly. i know there is nothing i need that i don't already have. i know i am love, just like i know you are love. i know that we are love inherently and that it is our conscience choice to come to each other from a place of love or not. i also know that we are human for now, and that that means struggle and conflict and weakness sometimes. sometimes it means falling over. and over. and over. and over again. i know i am surrounded by BIG love from all directions. i know i have a lot to be grateful for. i know i have impacted and left imprints on hearts, just as some have left imprints on mine. i know that i am supported and believed in. i know that i matter to some people very much. today though i wonder if anyone out there sees the rest. ever. the sadness. the tears. the struggle. the pain. i wonder if anyone's been cued. i wonder if anyone's prepared. does anyone know where to stand? does anyone know how to catch a newly long haired, struggling musician, who isn't sure if she wants to provide or be taken care of in this lifetime?

perhaps i am not asking for worry.
perhaps i am asking to be seen as as capable of lost and broken as everyone is capable, period. it is not so much that i want or need anyones worrying. i am okay, and a lot of the time i'm really really good. the truth is though i feel more solo than not, and i need more than i know how to ask for. and, my ears are cooling. they leave me guessing. they leave me totally unconvinced.

journal